I'm back to ok already. Called Mazreen during lunchtime - there goes another calling card.. but who cares coz now I'm happy. Haha.

Yes Juraimi I can start a collection. Hehe. 5 cards used so far, but I have bought 9 cards altogether. One useless (Access Calling Card), another one save for important calls where I need him to sound clear (Singtel Worldcard) and one to be used soon (Sunpage - most probably using tonight)

But u know.. I always always always think that money is not really an important issue if we are talking about happiness. (woah cakap happiness mcm feeling like that, haha) Some people wd spend on branded clothes, make up, travel, etc.. I spend my money mostly on food actually.

And now on calling cards.

I mean, these calling cards helps me hold on to some of my sanity, and if it helps him miss home less, then I don't mind spending money on them. Threatened him this afternoon that if he doesn't pay me back when he returns, then I won't call him again.

Oh he was worried, said ok fine I'll pay. But a quarter of the total only ok. Gaji I berapa ajer tau.

hehehe. To be discussed further when he returns.

My dad very funkily asked me just now when we were watching AMI, "Mazreen balik hari apa?"

"Sunday. Kenapa?"

"Nak kita ambik dia sekali tak?"

"Boleh la, if you all want to go. Sembarang.. kalau tak nak pergi, Ida drive pergi sendiri.."

"Tak la.. Ingatkan Ida tak nak kita ikut.. Manalah tahu, dah lama tak jumpa, nak lari peluk dia ke."

*speechless*
i got no idea if he was being sarcastic, or understanding, or what! Not that I have any plans to run and hug him, I mean hello! Ingat cerita hindustan ke?

My father has been behaving weirdly ever since Mazreen went India.

--

I had a very shit day today. It didn't help that I sobbed my heart out to Aisyah last night (thanks hor beb) and today I went to work with swollen eyes, til Kak Su had to ask if I cried isit? Ish, malu nyer. Hehee.

I don't know why it was a shit day. I just felt so damn irritated by everything today - the train in the morning was so packed, the ink of the Today papers smudged onto my fingers and I couldn't rub my nose, the uncle selling Milo is no more selling Milo, he's selling Chinese food now and the uncle making the Milo now makes it really bland so I can't have Milo anymore so now I got to settle for Soya Bean and after a while Soya Bean just makes you feel like puking, I threw away my Today papers and got dirty stares from people walking past, most probably irritated they cdn't get one, and I'm still addicted to Unchained Melody but getting sick of it already but listening to it makes me feel... a certain way, so I don't want to change it yet.

[ Btw, I like the song Damaged by TLC ]

I dunno la, it's small little things all piled up and I felt like I got the weight of the world on my shoulders and I just want Mazreen back here in sg to layan me. I think the root of today's irritations (phrase sounds wrong, but whatever la) is becoz Mazreen isn't here. So everything feels wrong suddenly.

I sound stupid don't I. Like I can't live without him or something. Kak Su once told me that if you can survive years without someone (as in, before you met him) and live happily, then why can't you survive happily if he's no more in your life?

She did mention much later on that it's because that person had a huge effect on our happiness. (something like that la. my phrasing's gone wrong today)

So, it's not that I can't live without him. But i've gotten used to him being around to cheer me up, to make me laugh, to relieve the boredom during office hours, to make me see that woah the sky is so bright and blue and woohoo what a happy day it is. That even after 11 days of him being away, I still haven't gotten used to not being able to call and see him anytime I want, I still miss him like crazy.

And what makes things worse is that he went India just a week after we got engaged... when we were still in our excited stage, talking about the future, etc. Now that he's not here for me to talk excitedly with, I feel...................... I don't know what's the word for what I feel. I can't talk to someone else about my feelings / thoughts abt the engagement other than with Mazreen la - it's something btwn us and only he knows coz he's kinda going through it at the same time kan, being excited happy and all.

sigh. isn't it depressing to read about this? And now I can't even ask you to go read Gongkapas Times because the author closed down her site. So go read mrbrown.com.

It's 12.01am, 18 feb. I'm waiting for him to sms me for me to call him. The highlight of my day.