When we go through great lengths to please our significant other, are we doing it out of love, or out of our need to retain that love? Don't we always expect something in return? In my marriage, there certainly is an imaginary ledger of favours taken and promises to be encashed -- in a year, within a month, next week, by the end of the day.

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"Do you love me because you desire me?" is a question more sinister than "Do you think she's prettier?", because yes is at once, an answer you want and don't want.

Over the years, my husband has become rather good at this game. In a shopping mall full of gorgeous girls below the age of regret, you won't even see his eyes waver. If I ask him if he thinks a certain so and so is looking swell, he'll take my hand, put it to his lips and say he never noticed, "because I only have eyes for you". I know he's fibbing, but who cares? It's not as if he'll pursue the woman, anyway.

And therein lies the irony. If I knew my husband is the sort who would chase after any skirt that swishes by, I would never, ever ask. If I had the slightest suspicion that he harbours the thought of an affair, I would run as far as I could from that truth. But because I know he is besotted with me, I test the limits of his patience. For fun, seemingly. Okay, I am ridiculous.

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above was taken from mokciknab's blog which is a good read.

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Class 95 is playing all these really old-skool songs, like 25 minutes by Michael Learns to Rock (!!) and 7 minutes by Neneh Cherry (!! the name!) and I'm reminded of my primary school days all over again. That 25 minutes song really had a lot of memories lor (funny ones now) I wonder if Shereen or Lydia remembers them... hahaha. I sure do lor.

Too bad I don't have a song to remember M during pri school days.

My aunt Tinda called me yesterday afternoon saying kesiannyer Mazreen pergi India this Sunday and yet this whole week he'll be in camp tak boleh balik. (he got detail til Friday afternoon!) He did apply for leave for Thursday but it'll be approved only if someone takes over his duty. sigh.

and last night my mom said let's go for dinner this friday night, the whole family with Mazreen, before he goes India. But my dad disagreed, said that I should have my own time with him, as in... let me spend time with mazreen since I won't see him for 2 months (56 days exactly)

My mom was surprised, asked my dad how come suddenly so understanding (and my dad is the least understanding person sometimes, I still have curfew ok!) And he said he used to be young too etc etc... so nanti Mazreen dah balik, baru kita pergi makan ramai2. sekarang let me have my own time with him.

!!

How surprising =)

oh, about my aunt. she said nvm that he's busy now and will be at india for 2 months, she went thru such stuff when her hubby was sailing last time etc... and that absence makes the heart grow fonder. sigh. i guess it will but it's very fond already now (correct exp? hehe) tak payah make it grow fonder...

I want him to stay in singapore. please please please.

no, that's selfish. i'm happy if he's happy - but lately he's quite.. erm.. reluctant to go. He thinks he'll miss singapore (read: me and his family) too much [[more of this later]] But at the same time he's excited and I don't want to bring his mood down and make him sad to go.. so I'm consoling myself, telling myself that it's only for 56 days and time passes by so fast nowadays.

[[ he just called me at the ofis doing his DJ impersonation... he likes to do this kind of stupid things, he's so gay, hahaha, but it makes me laugh when he does it and I'm going to miss this sooo much la. sigh ]]

oh. my granma told my mom the other day that she really likes and approve of Mazreen. thinks he's a good guy, very gentle, tak kasar sort of guy. as in, she really thinks he's a good guy. and my mom said my granma is very picky like that, so this is good. I'm glad la =) Actually it's very obvious, coz M is nice to everyone, he's super friendly, and he would sit and talk to my granma etc.. and my granma bought him a towel to use in india (she gives only towels or underwear as presents. hehehe. nasib baik tak belikan M underwear kan!)

I'm glad my granma likes him =)

so anyways, as I was saying. Last night I went to bedok to cut my hair, and at around 8.30 Mazreen sms me saying he was on his way home, and so I replied asking if he wants to meet. He called at about 8.50 saying can we just meet today (free tix for movie premiere of A Very Long Engagement (what a cute title, haha) courtesy of Farah for tonight 7pm at Lido) coz he's very tired and he wants to spend time with his family too. So i got pissed off, for God knows what reason and hung up. He then sms asking why can't I understand etc etc..

I mean, of course now I understand but last night I was just being paranoid, what if tonight he can't make it, and he can't get leave for Thursday and Friday he wants to pack bag and Saturday we already agreed to spend at home.. when do I meet him then?! He of course didnt see it that way coz he's not as paranoid as I am.. which is why we argue about a lot of stuff like these.

But anyhoos. He sms me at abt 10.15pm saying he was on his way back to camp and that he suddenly don't feel up for going to India already. I felt bad, wondered if it's because I'm putting a lot of pressure on him about time and all, you know what I mean? So i replied, telling him that he's been very enthusiastic about the trip so why now reluctant? If its bcoz he's missing his family (note I said family, not family & me), try thinkg that it's only for 56 days only and time pass by very fast.

He didn't reply.

And when he called later on at 12am I was already asleep and he was tired too so I didn't bother getting up to use the home phone. Said our goodnights and slept again. This morning on the way to work I talked to him on the phone and he said he's still mcm malas-ish and reluctant to go but he has no choice does he?

I guess he won't be volunteering to go Thailand and NZ after India.

I guess deep down he's still up for the trip, but he's just feeling a bit..u know.. that way coz of the time etc. sigh. If i were to be honest of course I don't want him to go but I can't show that to him, can I, coz it'll just bring down his mood. I want him to be enthusiastic and all that so he will have fun there.

56 days might not be long to some people but to me it is lor. The only time I went thru this kind of thing - no phone, no contact - was during his outfield thing during bmt days - 7 days - and even then I went slightly mad and my mom had to remind me that when I feel uneasy missing him, so will he, so I shd tone it down so he will be ok. (doesn't really make sense to me sometimes but sometimes it's true actually)

I actually have loads of other things to blog about, but I can't be bothered now coz I feel a bit down now thinking about him going India.

I can't wait for 3rd april already.



[[ I wore the ring to work today and now I feel so self-conscious. haha ]]