Ok deep breaths. Deep deep deep breaths. Don't cry.

It seems that I would forget that tonight's the night he's going.. and then I would suddenly remember, and then I feel like crying. It was even worse when I was writing him a letter just now during lunch, and McFly's "It's All About You" came on the radio. Felt like crying there and then, in the office at my desk.

I don't even know why I'm being so emotional suddenly. I was ok for the past few days, but today I feel like 51 days is long. Super super long. I cleared out my drawer tadi and saw something that I wrote and kept in there - I said that everyone said 56 days (India) would seem short - that the first few days would be very bad, but you'll get used to missing him, and then you will be ok already after that.

It wasn't like that at all for me. I coped, but I didn't cope well. I panicked everytime I felt helpless about something and needed Mazreen to rescue me. As stupid as that sounds. Yups.

His friend Salleh commented last night, "Eh Een. Shida nak park pon kena tanya kau lot mana ok dulu eh! Ngada-ngada betul ah kau eh" See how weird that is. I am too dependent on him I think.

And I only realise when he's going away and I will have no one to help me decide on stupid things like should I eat BK or makanan melayu hari ni. Or when I remember that I want to eat something new but I know I won't finish it, and if he's not there I can't do that because there won't be anyone else to finish it for me.

Ok aku mcm gay nak mampos. Should get a grip on myself.

It didn't (or maybe it did. I don't know) help that he sms me just now saying he doesn't feel like going already lah. I replied saying he felt this way too before he went India, so jgn stress2 ok baby, it'll be fun and all.

I don't want him to go too. but do I have a choice? The other day we argued, he said he will volunteer to go NZ, mark his words. I hope he doesn't mean it. I hope Thailand is the last army trip he has to make because I cannot tahan lah. Sedih tau.

Ok sekarang feeling nak nangis lagi kat office. Urgh.

We are meeting up tonight, and I will be driving him to Khatib camp tmrw early morning at 5am. I asked him if he minds if it's just me and him... but he said what if his parents want to follow too?

... I don't mind his parents following of course.

No actually I partially mind because I want to be able to have a few personal moments with him before he goes, and I know if his parents are there, he will be shy to tell me that he loves me and whatnot. He said he will see how later. Sigh. I feel devious all over again.

I want to go over and bebual with Kak Su to take my mind off tonight, tapi I'm scared I will cry. Hahahaha.

Ok this is very pathetic but I bought his deodorant. heheheheh. Gillette something something, I don't know the actual name for it but I know the bottle shape. Hahaha. Ok I feel very gay. But the smell! oh baby! the smell! Tak boleh tahan. It smells sooooooo Mazreen ok.

Sigh. Oh, and I'm bringing his sweater to Cameron. Hehehe. I shan't cry tmrw morning ok. I will not, shall not, must not. Sigh. I know I will though - and won't it be so awkward if his parents follow us, and then after he goes off, I will be crying macam some mad pig, his parents will feel so awkward kan?

Will update more tmrw. Right now tengah feeling emo again mcm nak nangis.

Control your emotions girls - Mr Yeo TKGS.