So how do I blog about this whole Zara thing without hurting anyone, especially my cousin?

Kak Ana has this blog add, and although I'm not sure if she still reads this, I don't want her to get hurt or whatever, and Mazreen reads this too, and he loves that name too (he might not once he hears my weird reasons for liking it) but I want to explain here, to whoever who is interested to know (no one pointed a gun, ahhaahhahaha) why that name is so precious to me.

I liked (make that, love) the name since I was 14. I know at that age, it was still too early to think about my kids' names, haha, but that didn't stop me from falling in love with that name and almost made a personal vow to let my first daughter have that name, die die must have one. I can't remember how I found the name, I just know I found it and I love it.

I looked for the meanings of the name - it means pure, flower, white.

White is my favourite colour. Coincidence or something kan? It felt so fated, so right to love that name :)

I then sort-of-semi-consciously started pitting that name against the name of any guy I think is possible to have a crush on. Like, if the guy I'm crushing on, his name is (example only ok) Sazali. Zara binte Sazali doesn't really go right? So no, I won't have a crush on that guy.

Mazreen? Zara binte Mazreen? Heavenly.

Of course, lets not be stupid and think that's my only criteria when choosing a guy. Mazreen of course has a lot of cuter, endearing, lovely, wonderful qualities in him that makes me love him, but this naming process is my own weird way of processing my life.

Macam alter-ego eh? Hahahah. You know how all those psychos have alteregos, like another identity? My Zara wasn't an alterego, but it's like a checklist of some sort.

It's stupid I know. I sometimes think my own thoughts are too weird, but thank God Farah understands, although she thinks my reaction was abit excessive. Hehe. Mazreen didn't get it at all, said it's not really a big deal - although he did sound disappointed when he first heard because he had fell for that name too.

He said there's a million other names, and tried to console me as guys are wont to do when they are faced (or have to talk to) with distressed gfs, even though he doesn't understand that nothing at that moment can console me.

I will of course love my babyniece Zahra with all my heart and soul, as how aunts love their nieces, and as how I have loved Syaza my cutiebabylove (first niece). For sure I will be shouting her name out loud excessively alot, just because that's my favourite name, as I've told Bijal her dad just now. Haha.

Entahlah. That name just holds a lot of memories for me, which if I were to list it out here would take damn too much space. Imagine loving that name, having the dream that your daughter's name would be Zara for coming-to-9 years, despite the guys in your life changing, and then having it taken away just like that.

It broke my heart, it really did. After Bijal called, I called Mazreen up, but he wasn't answering the calls, so I talked to Farah instead, and broke down in the toilet at work.

(sorry kak su, pasal tu tak ikut pergi raffles. hehe)

And because of this, I hope my cousins will never read this entry because I don't want them to feel negative at all for naming her that. It is a beautiful gorgeous name, everyone said so (all the more reason!!) and my mom sympathised, said it's ok, there's many other names, for all I know, I will only get sons? and a lot of other stuff meant to console me, which only made me cry.
I am so over-reacting eh?

I wasn't this sad when I quit NP I tell you. Hahahah.

A sweet sms from Bijal though - "Heh nutty aunty Shida. Would be very proud if Zahra turns out well like you."

With a name like that, I know she will be a much better person than I am. Insya'Allah :)